catch up.

So busy all the time lately. And exhausted. Right now i'm extremely sick with allergies [i think]. I've been consuming vitamin C like a mad woman, hoping that it will keep whatever this junk is at bay. Work is work. Busy and at times a headache. I test drove a car this past weekend and completely fell in love. It WILL be mine. lol. My car is sorta fixed. Hopefully it lasts.

School is killing me. So much to do on top of working full time. But i'm grateful for both, extremely thankful how I have been gifted.

Anyway i'm gonna go crawl into bed. Much love.

Sleepless.

I'm guessing it's because of the new moon-or just my cracked out brain, but i can't sleep. and it sucks. lol.

I did just put a new scent in my scentsy ; it's apple something. not fall-hate that crap but it's yummy smelling, like fresh apples :)

Oh i've moved on to Physician's Formula make up. And loove it. :) So light but gives good coverage.

New betsy johnson bag, new aviators, make up on the way.lots of stuff to review on here. i've been neglecting.

school is hard, forty hrs a week work and then school. ughhh.

anyway that's it for tonight.

Love.

to be continued...

In the next few days  i'll be posting a forever 21 haul. I got a dress and two tops. I'll include prices and review. ALSO I have some major updating to do, as well as trying out some recipes so stay tuned!!

 

Love this! :) For your enjoyment!

OH AND CONGRATS TO MY TWINNY FOR BEING A LICENSED INSURANCE BROKER!! You go diva, i couldn't be prouder!!

 

fuuu.

My car is officially the hated bastard of my week. Replaced starter now we're onto an entirely different problem. I can't wait to go car shopping. In eight weeks my debt will be dwindled enough for me to go play hardball with some A-hole of a car salesman.
Not positive what i'm getting but hey that's half the fun , teheee

Anyway. Not too much else.

xoxox.

Step One: Get organized.

I'm starting a change my life by the new year challenge.
Instead of making a crappy new years resolution that I never end up keeping i'm starting now, right this moment and by the new year will have a shaped life that i am proud of.

Today I ...

Decluttered my life and got organized! You might think that sounds odd but it's proven that when everything has a home your mind is more at rest. Plus organization is another form of responsibility. I'm tired of living such a chaotic life...I need to build my own structure.

Tomorrow I will be going grocery shopping or monday, depending when my car is back on the road...to stock up on fruits and veggies. :) gotta start being healthy and treating my body right. Ya know? I've already made my list and have it built in my mind what i wanna do with it, just gotta get there.

I'm also gonna start trying to exercise three days a week and then move up slowly after that. I will probably never work out on tuesdays because of class, and by 8:15 i'm just too exhausted. But that can be my mid week vacay. haha.
I'm also going to keep blogging on here as well as keeping my own private journal as I start being very strict on my meds, hopefully this will show my progress. I really think these meds will work. I pray that they do.

Anyway,

That's all I have for now. ta ta for now my loves.

xoxox.

I didn't take this picture or anything but i've had it on my computer since I found it. I love it. It's absolutely true!

Eleven Years & One Day.

I couldn't put into words how I felt yesterday, today it's the same struggle but I feel like I need to. September 11th is one of the days I remember of my middle school years. I was in sixth grade, math. Mrs. Morris was from Boston, and i heard her strong voice stop, and in utter shock she reached and turned on the tv and for the remainder of the class it was pure silence. I remember trying to understand what was going on..and then when it finally hit me I was still at a loss for how to feel. I still am when I think about it. My first reaction is to be angry, then sad, then disgusted..then it just cycles.

*this is not my photo, i found it via google and loved it*.

I can tell you my theories on what really happened that day, who did something..who didn't...but that's not what that day is about. It's about the people that didn't have a choice, the people that weren't watching, but experiencing. I cannot imagine the fear and the panic that went into those last moments, the strong realization that some of them came to when they discovered they wouldn't make it out. When they realized they wouldn't see the people that they loved again, they'd never make another cup of coffee, or take the dogs out. I wonder if that's what you think about in the end? not all the things you haven't done but about all the days that made up your life. What your love smells like when you hug him. or her.

9/11 to me, will always be heartbreaking. It will always be a day that I just feel, transported back into that moment of confusion. Of just a sad awe. But what this tragic day did show us, was how incredibly brave the human race can be. How selfless.

My heart goes out to the loved ones that lost that day. My thanks to the heroes that didn't think twice about rushing in.

Rest in peace all that parished, I hope that the other side is much kinder to you.  I also want to thank and send a prayer up for all those who are still fighting for our freedom..no matter if I agree with the war or not, I still support you and your families and your beliefs ..the way you're selfless bravery has supported mine.



xoxox.

my little collage for my humanities class. last week.

It was last minute.. "oh crap i forgot my assignment was due" type deal. haha. I couldn't find a picta of my twinny that i already had printed or of my brother. i was super sad.
:C

but here it is none the less.

work.work.work.

Sunday. ahh. My one day weekend. woo. this week was a fifty six hour work week. Next week is a forty eight, but, I think it's great that I can get on track with bills and savings! I'm such a nerd to be so excited about this.

I made a detailed bill plan to pay off the credit card debt that I have! Yess. Gonna get my crap together and become responsible.. It's just time. If I ever want my life to be more than what it is I have to mold it into that. I've come to realize that being comfortable is the worst feeling in the world. 

As far as men & relationships go, I could not care less. My heart belongs to me and to God and it's going to take someone amazing to change that. And when God decides to send me him, then my heart will belong to that man of God & God himself. :)
  
Anyway, That's all I got, Ly.

 

time to make changes. on the real.

 

First, let me just explain why I picked this graphic- It's not because I don't have people to support me, I absolutely do.  It's about learning to love my failures and seeing the beauty in them. Seeing that every failed attempt was still an attempt. And that it's alright to break down and cry and get pissed as long as you get back up and move the hell on. :) 

NOW. 

ehem. so. I've devised a money/debt plan for the next few months so that by then end of January i'll be debt free and I will have savings! Suppperrrr excited about that. I cannot express how much that will mean to me. I also have decided to try to start dieting again in some fashion. Gotta go grocery shopping this weekend to get some stuff. Time to get serious about being healthy and more conscious about what I put in my body. I've already stopped drinking soda...except for the occasional one ..but they are very few and far between. And now i've decided to cut out fast food. Minus subway-i love it and just dont really count it as fast food. Sorry, i just dont. Also. I'm putting myself on a budget as far as personal spending goes. Have to. We live in too uncertain of times. Just the way it goes. Also I'm back in school and I loooove it. I feel like i'm using my brain and it's so nice to feel like I have some sort of purpose again. I'm not sure what my ambition is but its something. It's there, ya know? 

I'm so happy for my twinny as well, she's kickin' that new career's arse. Doin' that damn thing! 

Good for you DIVA! mwah! 

Oh and this week, Christmas shopping begins :)

2 people every pay period till the big day heyyy! 

Gotta be smart about that shit. 

xoxox,

Deezy.

sailing away for the day...a diaper cake, Deezy's way!

 First, you're gonna need a crap load of diappers, I used size 2 and over a hundred of those bad boyss. I used pampers. But whatever mom wants is finne. Luckily My friend Ash was a new mom so it was whatever I fancied. Basically you just role em and rubber band em'. Then in a series of links you make them into layers, here to the right is the top ----->


Note the pirate duckie :) And these great anchor socks! The Top layer I covered with Navy blue polka dotted fabric and pinned it underneath; I did just simple pleats.
                                                                                       

 The second layer, which you can see here to the left is covered in a red sheer fabric then covered in net; yes net! actual net! you would use in a boat. I thought it was a great touch that couldn't be passed up. It also added a little more boyish charm to the whole thing. Again i just pinned and pleated.

The picture on the left is the finished product minus the "L" that I made from a wooden letter and covered in the bottom layer's fabric. I took a piece of rope and cut a piece and tied a rustic bow. A bow may seem girlie but it being a rustic material and very simple take it more to an acceptable boy chic. Plus the blue whale, all of the navy accents, and the pirate ducky clearly points to boy. Also the clean lines on the small binky [pacifier] box on the right side of the cake is more male.

In no way are diaper cakes a cheap way to go. Infact, I spent more than anyone else did. But I felt accomplished and so proud. And she adored it. Everyone was so jelly! I probably spent somewhere in the ball park of $100 bucks. The fabric was the worst area of all. But that was also lack of planning. I live in a small town and walmart was my ONLY choice. So, if you live in a better stocked area you'll probably fare much better.

things you'll need:

Diapers!!!!
Fabric [if you're doing it like this]
Dowel rods [ to go in the middle to secure the cake]
pins [again, only if you use the fabric]
rubber bands [lots of them!]
cutesy decorations {*note* try setting a dollar limit, dont spend over five bucks on each decor item, i did, that way i didn't over spend in that area!}
Ribbon [if you want!]

only one more week 21. :/ it went so fast.

This was me on my 21st birthday. I didn't go out and get trashed or anything like that. Just had a nice day and spent way too much money. This year has gone by so fast and so much has happened. The best has been getting my new job and reconnecting with my twinny. :) I'm not sure now how I ever went a day without her? All I know is, we were meant to be in each others lives.

The worst would definitely be my Pops dying and dealing with my mental health. It's been such a struggle. Everyday. But i've made it. And hopefully this next year will bring more changes that show me that i'm making progress. I did also get a new job. An awesome job, which I am so thankful for. I am appreciated and valued. TYJ!

As far as romatic relationships are concerned. I've decided 22 is about following my heart and being true to myself. I'm gonna romance myself. That may sound a tad bit odd-but I promise it's not. I'm gonna learn to love myself. I'm gonna start taking care of my mind, body, and soul the way I haven't been for so long. It's time to focus inward and let that radiate outward. Time for fun and for growth. And to prosper. I'm no longer worried about men. When God is ready for me to have that then he will send it to me. ;) and if he looks like Chris Helmsworth ...i wouldn't hate it! kk! holla! hahaha.


Anyway. Here's to a new day!


Love. Deezy.

People.

So i've been trying my damndest to learn to treat people the way God would. To treat every person as if it their own ignorance was not their fault. But sometimes it all just leaves me to wonder...does God look down at this world and say...maybe today should be the day I set this ant farm on fire!? I mean look at the things people say, do, teach, preach...it's all just a bit much.

On a daily basis I hear people bitch and moan about having to wait fifteen minutes to have their blood drawn or to drop off a urine specimen. Don't you realize how wonderfully easy you have it?! There are millions of people dying every day who would love the chance to wait fifteen minutes in an air conditioned room, with a flat screen tv, with books, and indoor bathrooms, with running water, and a fully stocked cafeteria, where once their name was called they would get the best health care that was offered within a 100 mile radius of their home.

I just wonder how you can complain about such small things when people have such horrible things going on in their lives. My grandfather battled cancer for almost three years and in that time watched his wife of over sixty years fade away of dementia and not once did I hear him complain of anything. He was always worried for his wife and her ailments. Never his. That is how God meant for us to live. 

Something to throw around.

xoxox,

Deezy.

sites sugested on a vlog.

urbanog.com

&&

gojane.com

 both are for clothes, shoes, accessories. all pretty affordable..and lovely! cha cha check it outt!

so long lover boy.

Today I made the final decision with the guy i've been talking to. While I do think he's a great guy, I just don't think I want a relationship right now. I'm finally getting somewhere in my life...I am officially in school again. Paid in full and ishhh. I have a great job that i'm moving forward in. I'm scrambling to move forward with my mental health..and i think even though i have my doubts, i am getting somewhere. And eventually an awesome guy will come along and we will both be in the right place at the right time...both ready to tackle life together.

But for now I think I need to tackle life on my own. Learn to own it like a boss. The way I know I can. I'm going to start making things to sell. I am. By the first of the year I will have progress with that! It will happen! :) I can't wait to see what God has in store for me, what I can do for myself. Endless possibilities...

Endless memories to be made.

..& i'm the one whose bi-polar?

I know i've been off my kilter lately,
 but ive been honest every step of the way. 

I thought you said you'd do the same,

one day its good, 

 the next day you're a hundred miles away..

i'm not sure that i can handle it this way.

i'm not sure i can manage this,

i'm grasping at fibers of straws. 
while you seem to say i'm the one pulling away... 

poem by Wanda M. Tomblin;

Photo is by an unknown artist.

Going to try..

I heard about taking all natural apple cider vinegar as a dietary supplement. 2tspn's a day ; it will help balance your body's PH..which will help the skin, digestive system, etc. I'm also going to look into aloe. :)

I'll let you know the results and post pictures of the actual products themselves.

Also probably going to order some Clinique products. I'll keep you posted. 

Check this blog out! :::dixie belle of tennessee: Love Letters

dixie belle of tennessee: Love Letters: So I've been watching Ghost Hunters today, and there was an episode about the Edgewood Plantation, which is located in Virginia. There was s...

THIS!

liquid thought.

poem by Wanda Tomblin. 
I wish my skin felt like home
Like my breath felt like my own.
Like the water wasn't so dark,
Like the fire not so hot.
As I try to break the surface I realize it is made of the thickest of ice...
but I dont panic I take comfort in the fact that I might never breath the air,
that this deep, dark water will be all i ever breath,
because it's all i've ever known.
In a way it's the most dangerous type of safe.
a home within a hell.
a captured inhabitant that will die within it's shell. 

I did not take this photo and i'm not 

the subject; i do not give nor take

credit for it. However, I do give 

kudos for whoever is the artist. I 

Love it! :D

call me...maybe!

<-Pops.


The truth is when people say, you never know how much you will miss someone until they're gone..yeah that's just bull. I knew with Pops that my heart would never be the same, I got the magnitude wrong..but I got the gist of it down. I know this about a few people. Don't underestimate the depth of the human soul. It's more than you realize.

Today was okay; I'm still going through it emotionally, but taking it one day at a time. I feel so  broken. I hate it. I'm going to put the pieces back..it's just going to take time and hard work.

Until tomorrow.
xoxox,
Deezy.

PS...BEKKA, write a damn blog entry...

k. call me! ..maybe ;)

to be that damn stupid.

I really can't comprehend how it's possible

Le Fishy.

A couple nights ago we went fishing [me, tiff, the fag, and tiffs mom]. All put together we caught like fourteen i think. I caught three. That one there, he was my biggest :) Was thrilled with it. I did however manage to break one of Mr. Donny's poles. :S oops! lol.
I got some warrior mark mosquito bites to show for it and a few memories i would rather not have. The fag, aka tiffs boyfriend, threw a tantrum while we were there. It was pretty damn ridiculous. ugh. It just never ends.

Day cuatro of my new meds is eh. Still headachy and junk. Still tired as hell. But whatever. Giving up on Senior Nick. And putting him in the same category as every other guy lololol.

anyway ttfn.

xoxox,
Deezy.

Boys.Brains.and Books.

The last few weeks have been a kind of whirl wind that i'm not sure I could fully explain if I wanted to; So many mixed emotions and frustrations. I met this guy, Nick, through a mutual friend, er, one of my best friends boy friends really. And at first I thought he was a slam dunk in the good guy department..but lately it's starting to feel like he's going to turn out to be just. like. every. other. douche. bag. lol. I was honest to him about some of my "issues", the ones i'm not honest to many people about..and that's when he started acting weird. And now i'm not sure if I even want him around...i'm not sure what I want at all anymore.

I feel like i'm nowhere. Jo, my shrinkadink diagnosed me bipolar this past week. She started me on a mood stabilizer, and i've prayed every moment of every day that it offers me some relief. I don't want this to define anymore of my life than it already has. And I feel so ready to start my life, it's so frustrating. For people who have never gone through a mental disorder or anxiety or anything, consider yourself blessed and favored. It's truly crippling.

Work is going good still, i'm so very blessed. I couldn't be happier. I'm really going to try to start excercising again...it may kill me but I have to try. I feel so gross and just blobby. And I want to start crafting again and maybe selling things. So hopefully soon!!

Also i'm currently reading the fifty shades of grey trilogy. which im sure i dont really need to explain ;) oh baby. it is good. i'm not normally a romance/fantasy reader but it is a sweet story line with some sexy tid bits in thurrr. give it a whirl.


XOXOX
Deezy.

There's nothing I have left to say
Some strings are better left to fray

brick wall?

So i've always had this gift for being able to read people and figure them out; but wtf. Finally found someone I can't read which is kindof what makes me interested..that's probably wrong..to be interested because I can't get behind the brick wall.

Ugh.

XOXOX,
Deezy.

Time for a change.

As you well know the last few weeks have been...difficult for me. My depression disorder is being a real wench. .. and ive gained some weight..emo eater for sure. So tomorrow I take back my body. I may not be able to fix my mind but by God I will control something.

Goal for tomorrow. No carbs!!! Excercise!!!


i'll do a mile. ten jumping jacks, ten push ups, ten sit ups, and other yoga exercises.

Anyway. My friend Bekka is moving back to new york. which i think is infact probably best for her..but it will be harder for me to visit.
:[

anyway.
i should head to bed.
see you guys tomorrow. :D

XOXOX,
Deezy.

Tropical Storm Debbie.

This is just awesome. And I want all the laughs I can get. :)


Well, Today I worked in another town about twenty miles from the home base. It's so much more low key, it kinda makes me crazy. I just want some huge distraction.That's really the only reason I like the idea of being in a relationship. It's something to distract me from my thoughts, from myself. All the more reason that I shouldn't be in one, eh?
I digress...

New Products I've Tried..

uhm Tom's mouth wash. I have to say I am thoroughly impressed. It's all natural and not tested on animals. Tastes great and doesn't burn! You should try it.

maybe tmi, but Summer's Eve cleansing cloths [it's summer, i live in hellaciously hot FL] and the body wash as well. Love them. Clean scent and very delicate.

IPHONE 4! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. GET ONE...NOW!

I think that's pretty much it :)

I wish I was different, I wish I felt at home in my own skin, and my heart didn't exist.

I know it's been forever since I last wrote; Not that anyone reads this crap anyway. But nevertheless. Here I am a year later and I feel like I haven't moved an inch. I know I have. I have progressed in some tiny way; but honestly I feel like i'm still trying to break the waters surface. I feel more and more people drift away ; and myself really. I'm not sure who I am anymore or where I belong...So for now I just am.

I'm the girl that is crazy and irrational, and shy, and secretly daring, the girl that falls in love with the idea of things, who won't give her heart away because it was never really hers. The girl that loves even the people she shouldn't. The girl that wants to cure cancer, to sky dive, to write a book, to punch someone in the face.

I'm her. There's so much I could tell you about that girl. There's so much more I still have to find out.

Alot of people give up on me. Sadly, I dont know how to give up on them.

xoxox,
Deezy.

fml.

i miss my pops more than anything in this world. the pain i feel physically hurts. i get so angry sometimes im not sure if i can contain myself. i really need my best friend and she just doesn't get it.

shopping. driving. mad angry bitchy boyfriends. oh and shoes.

well. Friday night I pretty much did nothing; Got my biological moms mothers day gift squared away; Some beautifully comfy pj's, an awesomely witty coffee mug, and an adorable little kitty scrubby glass thing. My Mom, Ann. Is very much a home maker at heart; kindof like I am.

Saturday I spent the day cleaning and getting some much needed TLC done to my housee. Good lord! haha. Then Me and The Best Friend took a trip about 45 minutes away to do a little retail therapy. One hundred dollars later..hahaha. Well, 5/25 panties and perfume at Victoria Secret, a "bitches get stiches" mug for tiffs bday, a gun key chain for mee at spencers, 5/20 panties, 10 set of 1 grey 1 black body pillow covers [ which ive been hunting for months! ] at targett!!!

and then i went into the deadliest store known to the deezy. SEPHORA!
I bought:
Kat Von D.
Saint Pallet. -- I love it. I will use EVERY color. The liner is pure heaven. The packaging is just to die for. i love it.

24/7 Urban Decay Liner -- in Nior and Whiskey . It was on special 18 dollars for both ; couldn't pass it up.

anddd.

some two faced shadow insurance; the lemon drop. :)

70!

woo. good news; i recently switched banks. and they gave me a signing bonus :) so that kindof padded the blow of my little spree... hahaha.


you gotta do it sometimes right?

anyway i gotta run.
xoxox,
Deezy.

Love Shinedown!

Love Shinedown!

i've always loved this. hate on it.

shards of glass?

TGIF.
[this picture was taken last summer, at Cochina Beach, at about midnight] ; nothing like sitting on the beach with your best friends smoking a Marlboro. bahaha.

Anyway..
Today everyone seemed to be in a crabby mood at work, left me feeling super tired from dealing with that. But it's over and I get two days of freedom from it. However, I love my job and am grateful. Completely.

Today one of my longest friends Taylor called to tell me that after a month of moving back home  she'll be moving back to St. Pete. =[ which sucks. but she needs to do whats best for her. And this place really gets to her [as it does everyone else]. Life is truly about who you surround yourself with; Oprah once said "choose to be with those who can only take you higher"..and she was right. If someone repeatedly doesn't appreciate you and the effort you make...then you need to do what is truly best for you. ..

Today I picked up my new medication from the pharmacy, I hope this is the last time my meds have to be played with. ugh. I hate having to ask her to up and up and up them. I hate that I even have to be on them. I wish I could just fix what is wrong. But as usual, nothing comes easy.

Sunday is my cousins college graduation party; all of our lives we've been compared. Her life went one way; mine went another. I'm proud of my life. No matter how dull or insignificant it may seem. I'm a good person, I believe in God, I work hard, and I'm responsible and caring. I do my best to do the right thing. I regret nothing;

at all.

xoxox, 

Deezy.

ohhmygoshh.

Candy-with an I!
This is my alter ego...last year me and the Tiffster bought wigs and went joy riding in them. We was some fierce bitchessss! bahaha.
An awesome memory let me tell you.

anyway.

Today I had to work the back desk in radiology for Natalieee , oi vey. It was crazy and not crazy all at the same time. Seemed like I just couldn't get my bidness together at all! ugh. I really need to get this dagone wisdom tooth pulled, it's killin meh!

Uhm. I bought a new top saturday =] it's beyond cute. And it was nice to just buy something for myself that I saw and fell in love with ! I started the makeover of my dresser...will post pics once I am finished. Woo!

Other than that, not too much else is going on, just work and the such.



                                                          xoxox,
                             Deezy.

who are you?

i feel like in the past few months one of the most important people in my life has changed drastically. this is one of the few people i would jump infront of a bullet for. ..i thought she shared the sentiment. Apparently not. I won't hold you choosing your stupid boyfriend first...but i will remember..i promise you that ; and when the shit hits the fan, like it always does. i'll still be here, because i love you that much, because you are one of the people i put first..

"action expresses priority".

xoxox,
Deezy.

Almost Friday.

I was beyond sick today; But I stayed at work like a trooper and got that shit done. Tomorrow i'm in scheduling again. Which is fine. The best part about being there is the quiet. No patients in my face. Hmm. other than work; ah, tomorrow is PAY DAY! allriiight. lol. first thing on my list is grocery shopping. Gonna start being healthier. I have to. My stomach has been so horrible since pops died, I know its my anxiety. But it costs a mint fortune to go :/ 120 next visit. Shit just gets tiring. I feel like it's sooo expensive for me to be happy. ..

This weekend I was going to go see my Nana, but honestly I really just dont feel like it. And i know that sounds horrible but idk. I just am mentally drained. I feel like everything is a tugofwar again. it's annoying. Sometimes I wish I had someone just to be there and just hold me...even if they didn't understand. ..but then when I get close I can't stand it.

i'm truly an enigma!

hahaha.

xoxox,
Deezy.

btw...i am an hour away from this ^. hate on it.

fill in the spaces.

I keep thinking that something magical will happen; that my purpose will pop up at me. That someone amazing will fall in love with me. And while it's a nice fantasy I think "destiny" is a big pile of cow crap...
I've watched so many of my friends be happy and be heartbroken..and while the latter seems like it does suck, at least your living. Your giving yourself and your life a story..I've always felt like my life is so empty and at some magical moment it's just going to take off and become amazing. But I'm starting to realize how unrealistic of a thought that really is. So if I'm not good at relationships and shit i'm just gonna start doing little crap. .. to fill my days. what else can i do? eventually everyone in my life will move on. will start their next chapter. and i will always be this person. I will always just be exactly who I've been all my life. And it's weird; i love people more than i say, and more than i should. But the trick is, even when my heart is broken I act like I just don't care. Because in a weird way I can almost convince myself that I don't. But then it creeps back in and I'm heartbroken again. Never ending cycle of heartbreak. And THAT is the worst kind; the kind you do to yourself.
Tonight I almost messaged someone that I will always probably have a major thing for; even though its stupid. I ruined any chance at a relationship with him twice. Both times were just horrible spots in my life. Not that now would be any better. .. But idk. I decided not to message him. I need to for real let everything go. I need to live completely in this moment and not look back. I guess in some weird way I wanted him to fight harder for me. But i'm quickly realizing that nobody is going to fight for you; you have to fight for yourself. I will always fight for the people I love; it's part of who I am. But i'm not expecting it from anyone else...

xoxox,
Deezy.

here's to us.

Ive been more depressed these last two days than I have in a while; Thinking alot about my life and where it's going. I think this fall i'm going to try to go back to school; to finish my A.S. that way wh. en I do apply somewhere else for something I have a higher chance at getting in. Plus I just want ...something...you know?
I feel like my life is empty...and God is telling me to fill it up.

Lastnight I learned how to make hemp bracelets :) turned out super cute and i love it. I miss making things. And doing little things. Guess I gotta start making me time again. This coming Wednesday i'm supposed to go hang out with a friend from where I used to work; it's been a hot minute since we've talked / hungout ...anything. With all this shit with Pops and Nanny ... it's just been hard to want to do anything;.

yesterday I came to a very hefty realization; I am no longer going to to try to fix other peoples' problems. Its not possible and like it or not their going to make their own bad choices regardless.


Happiness is what you make it.
xoxox,
Deezy.

Happy two more days till Friday--day! :D

This is the picture I chose for my debit card. It looks freakin' cute on thurr. :) Can't wait to get that beast. Today kinda sorta sucked at work; just seemed like i'm messing up alot; but all part of the learning process I suppose. One of my best friends made me a weight loss chart :) it's for fifty pounds. But i'm not time limiting myself. I'm just challenging myself. To be better, healthier, and happier.

all that good shit.
So my Bekkaroon will be moving back to the south very soon! i know she will be super glad to be done with the whole process of it. and boy i've been there, done that! ugh. it's work and it's monotonous..can't wait to help her decorate that beast! yeah.

Today mood wise and diet wise I did pretty well. Didn't over eat like I am generally guilty of. .. woot! small steps. ..

Uhm, what else?

oh yes, my car looks 100 percent again! no more ghettoness! [say it in the cartman voiice] son! yeah!

oh and i bought curel extensive repair lotion. i'm still out on the verdict. so far, not impressed it doesn't make my skin feel nourished..but i'll give it a few days. still love my palmers cocoa butter ;] Oh and I ordered a pallet from BHCOSMETICS.COM. Bekka, who is a guru and stylist has a few things from there and she gives it rave reviews. so I put my money in her trust. she's got a DIVA's back. fo sho.
lololol

well, it's late, and i'm tired. long next two days. ..the finish line to friday night playyyyaaa.

xoxox,
Deezy. 

Tuesday.

So yet another frustrating day in the scheduling department. I swear I hate that place and the supervisor was being a bitch..but eh, idrc about that shit. Been there, done that, took the test, wrote the book...all that crap. Today I took Brian and Sean two cases of beers. lol. you would've thought I was bringing them baby Jesus. They kept thanking me and thanking me. Not really even commenting on the three hundred dollars I handed him in the envelope. hahahaha. boys.

I hate people who use other people; especially people they claim to care about. I love doing things for people; doing special little things. but when it becomes expected it's just shitty. And they dont even see it. at all.

But what else is new right?
o.O
xoxox,
Deezy.

"if i could hold the rain, would you numb the pain, cause i remember everything, if i could help you forget would you take my regret, cause i remember everything"

Morning.

I'm not so sure as to why i'm posting this early; But ohh well. My AC in my car was fixed lastnight thanks to my beautiful big brother! without him my car wouldn't run. hahahaha. all this week i'm working in scheduling. woo! yesterday i made so many mistakes...gotta be more careful i suppose... gah.

such is the learning process,

xoxox,
Deezy.

Sunday.

I slept in..like really in! haha till like one pm. which is so unusual for me. but i needed it after all the long hours. i cleaned some and then went out to my grandma's ...she has end stage dementia ...which you can google if you dont get the severity. anyway tonight for the first time in a while she gave me a kiss on the cheek. .. seriously it made my day. she actually acted like she knew who i was.

Lately i've been sooo freaking angry. It's my coping mechanism when i'm upset. .. big part of MDD and Generalized anxiety disorder. lol. but anyway tomorrow starts another work week. ..blah

OH funny shit;
so yesterday i dropped my debit card down inbetween my car and the atm machine...so when i bent down to get it i scraped a good chunk of my bar-code off.. what fun this shit is. lmfao

shit sucks bro.

xoxox,
Deezy.

o.O people are effing crazy as hell.

so my insane twenty four hours of work is over; thankyaJesus! but i made it through with ease and only a few minor problems. . :D Paycheck will be pretty damn sweet too. So the theme of this week has pretty much been "every moron in the world talk to wanda". maybe its the full moon, maybe it's just humanity showing me that it should never be trusted. ..and that we may just have evolved from apes. [jk, i really dont believe that. i believe in adam&eve and the garden]. first there was the retarded ultrasound tech from a neighboring facility that called to say she saw a fetus in an 68 year old female. uhm. it wasn't. she's stupid .. stuff like that. just idiocy at its prime really.


Anyway so i've been wanting to start making money off of my talent of being crafty; and after long and thoughtful consideration i think the right direction is yard selling and redesigning furniture. giving something old some new flair and making a little off of it. =]  I'm kinda excited. so next time i have a saturday off i'll be yard sailing. ...

xoxoxox,
Deezy.

friday is no fun ...this week.

working a doubleee today; ugh gonna be a long day eight am to eleven pm. gonna be tired as hell. then tomorrow seven to three pm woooo :C hahaha.

money honey!

on the real.

4/4/12

tonight i go to work three to eleven pm. should be interesting; lol. hopefully it goes by quickly. . . i've been watching the friend zone...i would love to have a best guy friend that i could fall in love with. omg. hahaha.it would be freakin' awesome. breh.! yeah. lol. i hate tv. 

fucking assholes. 

anyway i hung out with taylor monday ; we grabbed burgers at a diner here in town. soo good. Got my eye balls checked; good news...i can see. bahaha..... anyways. my best friend bekka is fo sho movin' back to the south...TN! yesss. so excited to go up and visit. and the drive will be awesome. gonna make like fifty million cd's and jam the fuck out. :D mwahahaha. so excited. 

gawd i'm such a dork. 

xoxox, 

Deezyy.

word.

evil plot to destroy the world.

.. tonight i had a little melt down and had a good honest to God talk with one of my best friends and I feel better about our relationship than I have in months...which is good, i need her more now than i ever have. I need all three of my best frannns more than i ever have before. i thank god for them everyday. what i'm up to this week: well im off Monday, and working Tuesday through Saturday. Friday and Saturday are the first days i'm flying completely solo at the back desk. wahh. hopefully it goes well. . . but hey, guess you gotta fly on your own at some point. So Tuesday i'm going into work at two or three and gonna work night shift with Domingo. gah. hahaha. should be interesting. at the least. Uhm other than that, my A/C in my car will be fixed within the next week or so. so i'll be about three hundred bucks poorer. sigh. but it has to be done. in about three or four months i'll be getting a new car if everything goes as planned. i'm so lucky that my big brother is a mechanic :) with his own shop. baller breh. baller. oh also i plan to start work on my dresser. :D so excited about that. will deff post before and after photos. ;D so be on the lookout. That's all i got for now. xoxox, Deezy.

Words.

First of all, let me tell you how much i absolutely love this asian. And this quote is one I now live by. Yeah shit happens and it sucks but you're here, you made it far enough to bitch about it. get it out of your system and move the fuck on. tomorrow isn't promised so dont waste today focusing on yesterday. because THAT will just make you stay in the crappy place you are.

day one of two of heaven.

[ i found this on the net, i didn't take it or make it] So it is officially the last day of March...and it's Saturday. which i love with every ounce of my being. lol. I slept a good ten hours last night & it was both awesome and completely unnecessary. :) I took a light night trip to walmart with tiff and her mom ; and of course the troll was at her house ... haha... so i peaced the hell out when we got back. i'm not in a place to deal with douche bags. i just don't get how she wants to surround herself with that; but whatever. not my chair, not my problem. I really need to clean; infact that is exactly what i should be doing. ..... yeah..... uhhh....hahahaha. Tomorrow is my nephew Ian's second birthday; I'm not sure if i'll go to the party or not. we'll see. ugh. i hate awkward social situations. and they have super shitty friends. which is really sad. Lastnight I bought some lean cuisines for lunches at work. Gonna try to get my calorie intake down and start exercising. I wanna feel good about myself; Me and Sally [a new coworker] are gonna do a seven day trial to anytime fitness. if i like it i might join. so what if i gotta go by myself.. gotta do what's best for me. Cause' Lord knows if I wait for someone else to be there to help me, to motivate me, it won't happen. no more nice Deezy. B) xoxox, Deezy.

guns'n'babies--crazy car crashes--and wierd dreams.

So this really does deserve an entry all it's own. promise; So a couple of days ago I heard about this three year old child, left unattended in his mothers car [and a 6mo old sibling] .. he found her boyfriends gun underneath the drivers seat and shot himself. .. how the hell do you let that happen? I know mistakes happen..everyday. But that was so avoidable in so many ways. I just can't make myself comprehend. Hell, why have it loaded. Was the safety on? why didn't you have it locked in the glove box? and why did you leave a three year old and a practically newborn child unattended in a vehicle?! Honestly; you deserve to get time...for being so stupid. for being so careless with such a precious gift. how breathtakingly pitiful. OH and then yesterday! i was driving to go pick up donuts..yes i am that fat. haha. anyway so not the point.... FOCUSING NOWW! So i'm driving south bound on the highway and on the north bound side I see the most horrific crash scene i've seen ..ever. There was a small car laying completely crushed underneath a Expedition. The car was facing north and the SUV south. Apparently, under the influence, the SUV [carrying 5 passengers] went the wrong direction from a turn lane and went head first into oncoming traffic. ..where he collided and drove over one middle aged woman in her small vehicle. she was sadly killed while the five morons only sustained minor injuries. I do like to drink; BUT I drink where I sleep or I have a DD that I can trust...pure stupidity and carelessness killed that woman... my heart breaks for her family. and my prayers are with them all. _______________________________________________ so dream one involved me being abducted and held hostage; i did kick some serious a double s. let me tell you. i scratched and clawed, hit and spit, kicked and screamed...and it all ended with me running, bleeding, through and orange grove. i woke up covered in sweat. then there was dream two, which was a result of me reading that they're making a new chucky movie. .. i dreamed that he was terrorizing me and the entire time i was asleep i was thinking "this is a mofo'n doll why am i running and not lighting him on fire...wth!" hahahahaha. anyway, it's been a hard week. crazy shit has happened and i'm exhausted. xoxox, Deezy.

Wasteland.

This is my favorite band of the month really. hahaha. I have yet to hear anything bad by them; they're good with lyrics like default. Just more edge to the music part. Going a town over for work went okay today; boring really. and weird. hahaha.

It's Friday Son!

It seems like this week has taken forever to be over. That bitch was like titanic. .. and i was poor Leo hoping that bitch would share her piece of wood! mwahahaha. Well, tonight i plan to finish cleaning and go for a walk...and do nothing else! saturday night me and one of my best friends are gonna have a nachos, movies, and Bacardi zombie's night! cheaaa. haha the things i look forward to.

bahaha love this!

I want a man who can understand this...
who can love me even when i push back..
who can love me at my craziest and my most depressed..
a man who will stay, no matter what life throws our way...

would be nice..

Today was a bad day; I started to feel a panic attack coming on and luckily was able to calm myself. But if it continues I'll have to go see Jo again and have her adjust my meds. can't go through this shit again. the chest pain scares me too bad.
plus i dont really have the cash for health shit.
lol.
I feel so alone and isolated again, thankgod for my long distance best friend, she's always there no matter what and I couldn't possible tell her how much it means. It's funny how you learn who's "ride or die" as they say and who's not.

good shit to know.

anyway- tomorrow I go to another town to work for the first time since I started my new job. So should be interesting; I'm sure she'll be just as nice as everyone else i've met. Seems to be a company trait. . . which is awesome.

waiting on my tax return to come in so I can have A/C in my car again. wooooo.

well, vampire diaries is on tonight ;D Damon is mann gah.

xoxox,
Deezy

bye bye tax return...

so my awesome brother found out that my clutch is bad in my car...three hundred buckarooooons. :[ crappay. but at least i dont really have to pay labor. that's a blessing in itself.

today was super long and busy at work, i came home and super crashed. almost three hours hahaha. can't help it lately. so tired all the time.

It was nice to be working again; feeling more normal.
tomorrow i really do have to do stuff after work. gah.

post office to mail my car payment is the first...
then cleaning.

xoxoxox,
Deezy.

day by day.

i spent the day with my family; had some good healing time. i'm back to the grind tomorrow. :o) which i guess is good; gotta snap back to reality. in a way im glad Pops didnt want a service or anything. it kindof lets you heal on your own which is my preferred method lol.
my car is at the shop ; tomorrow hopefully it'll get the work it needs done. cross your fingers. i really hope my brother can work his magic and fix it! haha.
i finally filed my taxes, can't wait to get what small amount i do get back! As long as my car doesn't rob me of it, i'm putting alot of it towards bills..getting my credit cards payed off..that way in a few months I can hopefully buy a new car!

anyway im too tired to write much more.




xoxox,
Deezy.

monday.

[photo by tiffani daniel, copywrited]

I went into work today and luckily my boss let me go home. Didn't even clock in. I really just didn't feel like being there; probably wont for a while..but i'm back on my grind tomorrow.
This weekend was one of the longest i've ever had, and not in a good way. I hate how bad change can just make you ill. Everything feels hollow :/ sucks.

today we're going to the funeral home to arrange everything for my grandfather. :S

xoxox ,
deezy.

you may be gone from this earth, but you will never leave my heart.

knowing you made me a better person.

ily and imy.

Yesterday after a very long day of work i came home to hurry up and drive fifty miles to a honda dealership to pick up a car part for my A/C. Needless to say my brother, who thank God is a mechanic, says it's an electrical problem so the poor guy is gonna take my dash out and look for it. best brother of life. i tell you.

anyway i came home to heart breaking news; my 83 year old grandfather who made it 2 years past his life expectancy [he has terminal esophageal and stomach cancer, which has spread through pretty much his entire body] ..well he's in his final days...hospice is now at the home every day; he's receiving liquid morphine by mouth. he can barely talk, breath, or move. I hugged him last night and felt every vertebra in his back. he is so frail...it breaks my heart completely.

He is the man that made my father and my family what it is; my father would not be who he is without pops. And in correlation i wouldn't be who i am. He taught my dad to be the strongest man i've ever met, more caring and giving and honest, with an unshakable faith in God. He has been dirt poor all of his life, working in cotton field, orange groves, etc...he made literally coins a day and supported eight children, all of which are extraordinary people. they all inherited his qualities. the Earth will truly be a little worse off when he's gone.
He was married to his wife for almost seventy years. He tells her she's beautiful and that he loves her, every morning...even though she no longer really knows who anyone is. Watching them both deteriorate over the last couple of years has been heart wrenching...but some how him not being here at all just is kind of unbearable.

if you stumble across my page please say a small prayer for my family, i realize you have no idea who i am...and you have no reason to pray..but if you could i would sincerely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

xoxoxox,
Deezy.

My to do list for the weekend.

billlllls.
then buy a car molding part for my honda boxxx ;D
then i'm gonna sand down my antique dresser and repaint it. :D


oh && me and one of my best friends tiff, we're gonna do pics..this is one we took not too long ago: she's so talented...

Lemme Preach!

im not sure why girls keep telling the world they are in and out of a relationship. facebook has a "complicated" button, use the damn thing. or just leave it one way or the other. especially when its with the same person. like seriously!?

i've just never been the girl that has needed a man to validate my being. i live for me, i live for my family, my friends, and if i meet someone who can be apart of my life without making me a completely needy female, then i'll date.

i'm not dealing with drama or useless crap.

ijs, it bothers me to see all these girls putting the worth of their lives all upon who they're dating ...and you can't be "in love" with every guy you meet. damn.

xoxoxox,
deezy.

recommend. . .

Eucerine face lotion is awesome. it has a good spf. i usually mix it with my foundation...


This is a skin balancing lotion, i use it every day. after about a minute there is literally no grease feel. it leaves a clean fragrance and is awesome!


This is Palmers. I usually hate cocoa butter products because they're too greasy.. but a friend of mine convinced me to try it; and i love it. the smell is awesome and after a few minutes the greasy feeling goes away i usually put it on in the morning on my feet before i put my socks on. also, i'm a woman, i have stretch marks...okay! lol. it really does work. :)

heyy gurrl heyy!

so this is yours truly. I'm 21 and currently working for a hospital with several different facilities, i'm kindof the catchall. i do everything. lol. so far i love it-so much better than retail hell. trust me, you'll hear more about that later :)

i still live at home, which is fine by me. i still do what i want, when i want. and my mom still cooks me dinner. i'm pretty sure that makes me a BOSS. B] aww yeah.
Eventually i want to go back to school to be an ultrasound tech. just dont have the cash for it atm. we'll see where life takes me...

right now it's all about enjoying things i love with the people i love. and just having fun. the last two years have been really hard, but i'm not whining. it gave me the tough skin i needed to be where i am now. no matter what life throws at me, i'm not backing down..

xoxoxox,
Deezy.