Love Shinedown!

Love Shinedown!

i've always loved this. hate on it.

shards of glass?

TGIF.
[this picture was taken last summer, at Cochina Beach, at about midnight] ; nothing like sitting on the beach with your best friends smoking a Marlboro. bahaha.

Anyway..
Today everyone seemed to be in a crabby mood at work, left me feeling super tired from dealing with that. But it's over and I get two days of freedom from it. However, I love my job and am grateful. Completely.

Today one of my longest friends Taylor called to tell me that after a month of moving back home  she'll be moving back to St. Pete. =[ which sucks. but she needs to do whats best for her. And this place really gets to her [as it does everyone else]. Life is truly about who you surround yourself with; Oprah once said "choose to be with those who can only take you higher"..and she was right. If someone repeatedly doesn't appreciate you and the effort you make...then you need to do what is truly best for you. ..

Today I picked up my new medication from the pharmacy, I hope this is the last time my meds have to be played with. ugh. I hate having to ask her to up and up and up them. I hate that I even have to be on them. I wish I could just fix what is wrong. But as usual, nothing comes easy.

Sunday is my cousins college graduation party; all of our lives we've been compared. Her life went one way; mine went another. I'm proud of my life. No matter how dull or insignificant it may seem. I'm a good person, I believe in God, I work hard, and I'm responsible and caring. I do my best to do the right thing. I regret nothing;

at all.

xoxox, 

Deezy.

ohhmygoshh.

Candy-with an I!
This is my alter ego...last year me and the Tiffster bought wigs and went joy riding in them. We was some fierce bitchessss! bahaha.
An awesome memory let me tell you.

anyway.

Today I had to work the back desk in radiology for Natalieee , oi vey. It was crazy and not crazy all at the same time. Seemed like I just couldn't get my bidness together at all! ugh. I really need to get this dagone wisdom tooth pulled, it's killin meh!

Uhm. I bought a new top saturday =] it's beyond cute. And it was nice to just buy something for myself that I saw and fell in love with ! I started the makeover of my dresser...will post pics once I am finished. Woo!

Other than that, not too much else is going on, just work and the such.



                                                          xoxox,
                             Deezy.

who are you?

i feel like in the past few months one of the most important people in my life has changed drastically. this is one of the few people i would jump infront of a bullet for. ..i thought she shared the sentiment. Apparently not. I won't hold you choosing your stupid boyfriend first...but i will remember..i promise you that ; and when the shit hits the fan, like it always does. i'll still be here, because i love you that much, because you are one of the people i put first..

"action expresses priority".

xoxox,
Deezy.

Almost Friday.

I was beyond sick today; But I stayed at work like a trooper and got that shit done. Tomorrow i'm in scheduling again. Which is fine. The best part about being there is the quiet. No patients in my face. Hmm. other than work; ah, tomorrow is PAY DAY! allriiight. lol. first thing on my list is grocery shopping. Gonna start being healthier. I have to. My stomach has been so horrible since pops died, I know its my anxiety. But it costs a mint fortune to go :/ 120 next visit. Shit just gets tiring. I feel like it's sooo expensive for me to be happy. ..

This weekend I was going to go see my Nana, but honestly I really just dont feel like it. And i know that sounds horrible but idk. I just am mentally drained. I feel like everything is a tugofwar again. it's annoying. Sometimes I wish I had someone just to be there and just hold me...even if they didn't understand. ..but then when I get close I can't stand it.

i'm truly an enigma!

hahaha.

xoxox,
Deezy.

btw...i am an hour away from this ^. hate on it.

fill in the spaces.

I keep thinking that something magical will happen; that my purpose will pop up at me. That someone amazing will fall in love with me. And while it's a nice fantasy I think "destiny" is a big pile of cow crap...
I've watched so many of my friends be happy and be heartbroken..and while the latter seems like it does suck, at least your living. Your giving yourself and your life a story..I've always felt like my life is so empty and at some magical moment it's just going to take off and become amazing. But I'm starting to realize how unrealistic of a thought that really is. So if I'm not good at relationships and shit i'm just gonna start doing little crap. .. to fill my days. what else can i do? eventually everyone in my life will move on. will start their next chapter. and i will always be this person. I will always just be exactly who I've been all my life. And it's weird; i love people more than i say, and more than i should. But the trick is, even when my heart is broken I act like I just don't care. Because in a weird way I can almost convince myself that I don't. But then it creeps back in and I'm heartbroken again. Never ending cycle of heartbreak. And THAT is the worst kind; the kind you do to yourself.
Tonight I almost messaged someone that I will always probably have a major thing for; even though its stupid. I ruined any chance at a relationship with him twice. Both times were just horrible spots in my life. Not that now would be any better. .. But idk. I decided not to message him. I need to for real let everything go. I need to live completely in this moment and not look back. I guess in some weird way I wanted him to fight harder for me. But i'm quickly realizing that nobody is going to fight for you; you have to fight for yourself. I will always fight for the people I love; it's part of who I am. But i'm not expecting it from anyone else...

xoxox,
Deezy.

here's to us.

Ive been more depressed these last two days than I have in a while; Thinking alot about my life and where it's going. I think this fall i'm going to try to go back to school; to finish my A.S. that way wh. en I do apply somewhere else for something I have a higher chance at getting in. Plus I just want ...something...you know?
I feel like my life is empty...and God is telling me to fill it up.

Lastnight I learned how to make hemp bracelets :) turned out super cute and i love it. I miss making things. And doing little things. Guess I gotta start making me time again. This coming Wednesday i'm supposed to go hang out with a friend from where I used to work; it's been a hot minute since we've talked / hungout ...anything. With all this shit with Pops and Nanny ... it's just been hard to want to do anything;.

yesterday I came to a very hefty realization; I am no longer going to to try to fix other peoples' problems. Its not possible and like it or not their going to make their own bad choices regardless.


Happiness is what you make it.
xoxox,
Deezy.

Happy two more days till Friday--day! :D

This is the picture I chose for my debit card. It looks freakin' cute on thurr. :) Can't wait to get that beast. Today kinda sorta sucked at work; just seemed like i'm messing up alot; but all part of the learning process I suppose. One of my best friends made me a weight loss chart :) it's for fifty pounds. But i'm not time limiting myself. I'm just challenging myself. To be better, healthier, and happier.

all that good shit.
So my Bekkaroon will be moving back to the south very soon! i know she will be super glad to be done with the whole process of it. and boy i've been there, done that! ugh. it's work and it's monotonous..can't wait to help her decorate that beast! yeah.

Today mood wise and diet wise I did pretty well. Didn't over eat like I am generally guilty of. .. woot! small steps. ..

Uhm, what else?

oh yes, my car looks 100 percent again! no more ghettoness! [say it in the cartman voiice] son! yeah!

oh and i bought curel extensive repair lotion. i'm still out on the verdict. so far, not impressed it doesn't make my skin feel nourished..but i'll give it a few days. still love my palmers cocoa butter ;] Oh and I ordered a pallet from BHCOSMETICS.COM. Bekka, who is a guru and stylist has a few things from there and she gives it rave reviews. so I put my money in her trust. she's got a DIVA's back. fo sho.
lololol

well, it's late, and i'm tired. long next two days. ..the finish line to friday night playyyyaaa.

xoxox,
Deezy. 

Tuesday.

So yet another frustrating day in the scheduling department. I swear I hate that place and the supervisor was being a bitch..but eh, idrc about that shit. Been there, done that, took the test, wrote the book...all that crap. Today I took Brian and Sean two cases of beers. lol. you would've thought I was bringing them baby Jesus. They kept thanking me and thanking me. Not really even commenting on the three hundred dollars I handed him in the envelope. hahahaha. boys.

I hate people who use other people; especially people they claim to care about. I love doing things for people; doing special little things. but when it becomes expected it's just shitty. And they dont even see it. at all.

But what else is new right?
o.O
xoxox,
Deezy.

"if i could hold the rain, would you numb the pain, cause i remember everything, if i could help you forget would you take my regret, cause i remember everything"

Morning.

I'm not so sure as to why i'm posting this early; But ohh well. My AC in my car was fixed lastnight thanks to my beautiful big brother! without him my car wouldn't run. hahahaha. all this week i'm working in scheduling. woo! yesterday i made so many mistakes...gotta be more careful i suppose... gah.

such is the learning process,

xoxox,
Deezy.

Sunday.

I slept in..like really in! haha till like one pm. which is so unusual for me. but i needed it after all the long hours. i cleaned some and then went out to my grandma's ...she has end stage dementia ...which you can google if you dont get the severity. anyway tonight for the first time in a while she gave me a kiss on the cheek. .. seriously it made my day. she actually acted like she knew who i was.

Lately i've been sooo freaking angry. It's my coping mechanism when i'm upset. .. big part of MDD and Generalized anxiety disorder. lol. but anyway tomorrow starts another work week. ..blah

OH funny shit;
so yesterday i dropped my debit card down inbetween my car and the atm machine...so when i bent down to get it i scraped a good chunk of my bar-code off.. what fun this shit is. lmfao

shit sucks bro.

xoxox,
Deezy.

o.O people are effing crazy as hell.

so my insane twenty four hours of work is over; thankyaJesus! but i made it through with ease and only a few minor problems. . :D Paycheck will be pretty damn sweet too. So the theme of this week has pretty much been "every moron in the world talk to wanda". maybe its the full moon, maybe it's just humanity showing me that it should never be trusted. ..and that we may just have evolved from apes. [jk, i really dont believe that. i believe in adam&eve and the garden]. first there was the retarded ultrasound tech from a neighboring facility that called to say she saw a fetus in an 68 year old female. uhm. it wasn't. she's stupid .. stuff like that. just idiocy at its prime really.


Anyway so i've been wanting to start making money off of my talent of being crafty; and after long and thoughtful consideration i think the right direction is yard selling and redesigning furniture. giving something old some new flair and making a little off of it. =]  I'm kinda excited. so next time i have a saturday off i'll be yard sailing. ...

xoxoxox,
Deezy.

friday is no fun ...this week.

working a doubleee today; ugh gonna be a long day eight am to eleven pm. gonna be tired as hell. then tomorrow seven to three pm woooo :C hahaha.

money honey!

on the real.

4/4/12

tonight i go to work three to eleven pm. should be interesting; lol. hopefully it goes by quickly. . . i've been watching the friend zone...i would love to have a best guy friend that i could fall in love with. omg. hahaha.it would be freakin' awesome. breh.! yeah. lol. i hate tv. 

fucking assholes. 

anyway i hung out with taylor monday ; we grabbed burgers at a diner here in town. soo good. Got my eye balls checked; good news...i can see. bahaha..... anyways. my best friend bekka is fo sho movin' back to the south...TN! yesss. so excited to go up and visit. and the drive will be awesome. gonna make like fifty million cd's and jam the fuck out. :D mwahahaha. so excited. 

gawd i'm such a dork. 

xoxox, 

Deezyy.

word.

evil plot to destroy the world.

.. tonight i had a little melt down and had a good honest to God talk with one of my best friends and I feel better about our relationship than I have in months...which is good, i need her more now than i ever have. I need all three of my best frannns more than i ever have before. i thank god for them everyday. what i'm up to this week: well im off Monday, and working Tuesday through Saturday. Friday and Saturday are the first days i'm flying completely solo at the back desk. wahh. hopefully it goes well. . . but hey, guess you gotta fly on your own at some point. So Tuesday i'm going into work at two or three and gonna work night shift with Domingo. gah. hahaha. should be interesting. at the least. Uhm other than that, my A/C in my car will be fixed within the next week or so. so i'll be about three hundred bucks poorer. sigh. but it has to be done. in about three or four months i'll be getting a new car if everything goes as planned. i'm so lucky that my big brother is a mechanic :) with his own shop. baller breh. baller. oh also i plan to start work on my dresser. :D so excited about that. will deff post before and after photos. ;D so be on the lookout. That's all i got for now. xoxox, Deezy.