I've watched so many of my friends be happy and be heartbroken..and while the latter seems like it does suck, at least your living. Your giving yourself and your life a story..I've always felt like my life is so empty and at some magical moment it's just going to take off and become amazing. But I'm starting to realize how unrealistic of a thought that really is. So if I'm not good at relationships and shit i'm just gonna start doing little crap. .. to fill my days. what else can i do? eventually everyone in my life will move on. will start their next chapter. and i will always be this person. I will always just be exactly who I've been all my life. And it's weird; i love people more than i say, and more than i should. But the trick is, even when my heart is broken I act like I just don't care. Because in a weird way I can almost convince myself that I don't. But then it creeps back in and I'm heartbroken again. Never ending cycle of heartbreak. And THAT is the worst kind; the kind you do to yourself.
Tonight I almost messaged someone that I will always probably have a major thing for; even though its stupid. I ruined any chance at a relationship with him twice. Both times were just horrible spots in my life. Not that now would be any better. .. But idk. I decided not to message him. I need to for real let everything go. I need to live completely in this moment and not look back. I guess in some weird way I wanted him to fight harder for me. But i'm quickly realizing that nobody is going to fight for you; you have to fight for yourself. I will always fight for the people I love; it's part of who I am. But i'm not expecting it from anyone else...
xoxox,
Deezy.
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